Man…it feels so funny being here again. I was sure that I was done blogging, like I have said so many times before and here I am. I am right back here sitting in front of my laptop with so many thoughts, ideas, words, and just things to say in general. I have to say that I sincerely missed blogging but I just felt that it was becoming too much and I was having people read my blogs and I was getting attention from people who knew me but didn’t know my story and they were asking questions that I wasn’t sure that I was ready to answer so I deleted the add-on Facebook page that my blogs were attached to and I quit, cold turkey. I didn’t give any explanation nor did I let anyone know that I was leaving. I couldn’t. I didn’t want anyone to question me or try and talk me out of it. I said to myself that I was unsure if this was what I was “called or meant to do” anyway. I didn’t know. Was I even really helping people or was I just giving people a free look and insight into my deep and dark past that I have to pretend didn’t exist every time I stepped outside? I didn’t know and I still don’t. I said that I was not going to start blogging again until God showed me a sign or instructed me to move. I battled with this. I really did. I just gave it up, again. That wasn’t fair but I did it and I hadn’t looked back until now. I got a message the other day from someone who read my blogs and me and the person were just talking and all of a sudden they asked me, “when are you going to write again?” Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt it right in my stomach. I told them that I had been thinking about it but hadn’t done it yet and that I was actually waiting on a sign on whether or not I should start back. This person told me that I should and that my blogs really helped them and they were sure that it would help others as well. I had heard this sooooo many times before but this time it was different. It felt like a breath of fresh air and I had been without oxygen. I thanked the person and days later, here I am. So if you are reading this, you know exactly who you are. I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Today my husband and I were having a conversation about relationships in general. He was giving me his opinion from the outlook of a man and I was giving him mine from the outlook of a woman. I realized that a lot of us women tend to blame the men, all men for the mistakes and wrong doings of one. I am not saying by any means that the men should be excused for all of the things that they do to hurt us because I know that they have the capability to cause us gut wrenching pain. Today though, while him and I were talking, I had a thought, ” were the men responsible for the pain that we feel or are we breaking our own hearts?” Before you all go in on me in the comments, just hear me out please. Think about this, have you ever been in a relationship or getting to know a man and everything seems great? Y’all vibe, he makes you laugh, you get butterflies when he’s around, you’ve told your girls about him and they can’t wait to meet him, etc..etc… everything is great except there is just this one thing. There’s just one thing about him that you don’t like and you can’t seem to shake it. All of the good that he has about him just doesn’t compare to this one bad thing. You tell your friends and everyone else that knows about him, “it’s okay y’all. Don’t even worry about it. Once we get together and make this thang official. I’ll change all that. I’m not even worried. He will change for me.” Be honest. How many times have you said this either to friends/family or at least to yourself? We all have. He has a habit or a trait about him that we don’t like and the first thing we want to do is swoop in with our capes on and save/change him. Well what happens when we do make “this thang official” and he doesn’t change because we cannot change him? Do you let him go because your expectations are unrealistic and he doesn’t budge or do you stick around because you think that if you let him go now someone else will get the man that you have invested all of this time in and she will be able to reap the benefits rather than you? If you answered yes to either of these questions, then you my dear may be truly breaking your own heart.
I had to learn a long time ago that before I got into any kind of relationship that I had to love myself first. I had to love myself wholeheartedly because at the end of the day, with or without a relationship I had me. I was born alone and I would die the same so I needed to love and feel good about me before I could get into any relationship no matter whether or not it was serious. I had to know the ins and outs of myself. I had to know my worth, the things that I liked and didn’t like, the things that I would and would not tolerate, etc. Of course, me being 14 when I got with my now husband, I did not know any of this. None. All I knew was that there was an older boy who played football and whose picture I saw in the yearbook and instantaneously fell in love with, and I was going to get him. I did. I got him. 13 years, 2 little girls, countless memories and tons of heartache, tears and growth later, we are still together. It was hard though. It really was. I was that young girl who saw things that I didn’t like about him and thought that I could change him. I can change him because that is what is necessary. If he loved me then he would do it. He will change for me. Now being almost 30 and a lot wiser I know how silly all of that sounded. It sounded ridiculous because it was. I looked at this man and I saw him and fell in love with him because of a picture. I said that I was going to get him and I did. First off, I wanted him because of his looks which was extremely childish and vain. Over time I saw more and more things about him that I didn’t like that the picture did not reveal to me. Even if it would have, I don’t think that it would have made a difference because I was sure that I was the one that could change all of that without a problem. WRONG!!!! WRONG!! WRONG!!!
It is my sincere belief that we should never go into anything with anyone in the hopes of changing them. I believe that this is a recipe for disaster. Most people, especially men feel as though if they were a certain way from the very beginning and you did not mention or bring up the issue then, why now? Most would even say, well you knew this about me going into this..why do i need to be the one to change? Why am I the one with the issue? You don’t think you have things that I want to change about you? I just don’t bring it up because I care about your feelings. I have heard it all before. I have had so many friends bring this up to me and I have even mentioned it to a few myself. It really made me think too. Dang, I really did know that there were things about you that I did not like but I didn’t mention them to you because I was sure that I could change them. I could be the one to make you put the toilet seat down, stop chewing with your mouth open, put your dirty clothes in the dirty clothes bin, stop texting your ex, stop hurting me and blaming me for it, etc. All of us have things that we do that are completely fine and normal to us but it drives others up the wall. Let someone try and tell us not to wear our bonnets to the store when our hair isn’t right, stop talking to people on speakerphone, stop patting our heads when it itches instead of scratching it, stop talking to that ex of ours who we already know means us no good and that is the reason why we aren’t together today, etc. We would lose our minds!! We don’t want anyone talking to us that way or telling us what to do because we are “grown.” It’s funny, isn’t it?? It isn’t any fun when the rabbit has the gun.
When starting something new, or even maintaining something that you have been in for years like me, let’s decide that we are going to change the mindset of, “I’m gonna change you” and start saying, “I want to grow with you.” Growing means that you will not be comfortable and if you are comfortable that means that you aren’t growing. Changing someone sounds offensive and automatically makes them defensive. Growing says, this is where we are now but if we hope to go higher and get to the next level of greater that I know that we can get to then there are some things that are going to have to be done differently. Staying where we are now allows us to get comfortable and getting comfortable means that things stay the same. If things stay the same then neither of us are growing and we grow complacent. Complacency turns into boredom and boredom could lead to us looking to other people for the things that we want/need from one another. That isn’t what we want to happen so let’s just agree to grow together.
Relationships/Friendships are difficult enough on their own without anyone throwing the C word around. There needs to be an open communication always. Say how you feel but make sure that it is not done in a judgmental way. Say how you feel without passing blame. The blame game is never fun. I have always been told that anything worth having is worth fighting for. So, fight for it…not against it. Thanks for reading!!